Of course, I knew immediately that something was terribly wrong. Real Americans would never allow themselves to forget that I became twice as intelligent and competent the moment planes started slamming into buildings on 9/11/2001. They would never forget how I was instantly transformed from a non-elected colossal joke into a throbbing pillar of Presidential talent incapable of making mistakes. No, they would never do any of these things... unless some external force was influencing them and turning them against me.
ME: Okay. Who is this?
Jesus: Jesus. Why don't you ask me a question that only God could
answer and I'll answer it?
ME: Can an atheist excel in professional sports?
Jesus: No. It is an express term of every NFL, MLB, and NBA contract
that all victories are wholly attributed to me and that thanks must be
given at the conclusion of all pivotal plays and at the end of the game.
ME: Jesus, it is you.
Jesus: Finally. Listen, I'll keep this short because I've got shit to do.
Dad and I have to go visit The Holy Ghost at the retirement home and
then I need to authorize a bunch of killings in my name.
ME: I hear you.
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